Sinking

I hate all the ship metaphors
That I create to anchor myself to
How much I have sank
Since I've set sailed from you

And I am looking for
Something to keep myself alive
And I realized
Despite my darkest thoughts
That I don't want to die

Now watching lightning crash down on all of my dreams
I'm looking for a way to see in between the lines
That have been drawn between you and me

And I am looking for
Something to keep myself alive
And I realized
Despite my darkest thoughts
That I don't want to die

There's no silver lining to be found under the sea of memories where I drowned
And there is no hope to be found in the skies of heaven from where I fell
And there is no fear to be found in the depths of hell where i belong
A skeleton of a man I have become waiting for the bugs to eat my bones

Young Again

Let's walk to the park when the sun is setting
Sit on the swings, pretend we're young again
and I know things changed
but I'd kind of like to see you again
Although I know
I can't let that happen

I would love to re-meet you
start over again
'cause my memory
refuses to let you back in

Let's walk to the river when the sun is rising
Sit on the edge, pretend we're in love again
And I know things changed
But Id kind of like that to stay the same
Although I know
That won't ever happen again

I would love to re-meet you
Start over again
'cause my memories
Refuse to let you back in

Times are tough
This ride is fucked
I don't think I'll ever be
Ripe for the taking
Cause I keep giving
My self away
To anyone who asks

I would love to re-meet you
Start over again
Cause im so tired
Of these memories of you

I would love to re-meet you
But I know how it would end
I would end up hating you
Just like how we turned out
The first time

Seasonal Monsters

With each passing day
I face the darkest array
Of monsters and men
They sleep in my head
They call themselves my friends
And I tend to believe them

Running from shadows in daylight
They catch up to me at midnight
Blue eyes turned black eyed
From back alley bar fights
Between me and my mind
Losing track of time
Looking for a sign
Will I be okay one day?

Scars highlight my skin
Telling tales of failed defense
I guess I wasn't strong enough
To fight off my darker thoughts
My weakness shows the truth
Of what I have been through

Running from shadows in daylight
They catch up to me at midnight
Blue eyes turned blacked eyed
From back alley bar fights
Between me and my mind
Losing track of time
Looking for a sign
Will I be okay one day?

I think it's just this autumn weather
I feel like I am dying with the leaves
I can't wait til the flowers of spring
Start blooming in the rain
Maybe then I will have hope again

Bedroom Emotions

I blame it on the ecstasy I'm feeling
But I want to see your bed room ceiling
Tell me what words I can say to you
To make this dream come true

All I really want to do
Is to see your bedroom
All I really want to do
Is to see your bedroom

I'm not usually this kind of guy
I have exes who would testify
But I think that I just might
Find to find a way to share these covers tonight

All I really want to do
Is to see your bedroom
All I really want to do
Is to see your bedroom

I think i'm getting drunk off the thought of you
I just hope that you're getting drunk too
Cause how else would I get to be
In your bedroom under your sheets

All I really want to do
Is to see your bedroom
All I really want to do
Is to see your bedroom

All I really want to do
Is to sleep next to you
All I really want to do
Is to sleep next to you

The Avalanche

The snow fell with such beauty at dawn
Until I scarred it with my defects
I know now, that I am the monster here
I am the abominable snowman

This is me collapsing
This is the avalanche
This is me collapsing
This is the avalanche

Ex-Friends Forever

I don't know how I should feel
About you're uncommon sex appeal
Every word that you have said
Has brought me to an early end
And I know that you're a bitch
But I think that I'm okay with it

I've made choices I regret
But I know that I can't go back
To the way things used to be
The only problem is that
I'm dying without her

I've seen lightning strike you twice
And now you no longer have the will to fight
You've accepted the anchor
Dragging you down with all it's might
And I so desperately wanted to save you
But that anchor draged me down too

I've made choices I regret
And I would love to go back
To the way things used to be
The only problem is
I was dying with her

And I didn't know
How to rectify
This situation
I said goodbye
So long ago
And all I wanted
Was to crawl my way
Back to you
Even though I knew
It would destroy us both

And now the end is near my dear
Regrettably i know, i don't care
The story of two poisonous friends
That at one point tried to be lovers
Only to end up losing each other

Fiction

I don't know who I am
All I know is who I've been
And I hope I turn out
As someone different than him
Or so help me god
I think I might kill myself
To save the world
From having to deal with my bullshit
Please world if it comes to it
Won't you please
Turn off the lights on my life

The setting sun steals away
Any resemblance of happiness from my soul
But then why is it that I treat the night
Like it comforting to me
Maybe I'm just comfortable being sad
But wouldn't that make me just as bad
As all those people who have given up on life already
Shouldn't I feel the want to be happy?
Shouldn't I want to make it out of here alive?
Shouldn't I want to live a long life?
I think I failed at personhood
If this is normal then I feel bad for anyone
Who's has ever had to live

I know that I should keep writing my story
But it's two hundred pages in and it's so god damn boring
I'm not sure if its even worth finishing
My life is terrible inspiration
For my own bleak future
I know it's wrong but I'm just waiting
For someone else's story to intertwine
With my own
It's the only way that I can imagine
That my story would be worth reading
Nonfiction has never sat well with me
I prefer everything with a touch of fantasy

Time to own up to my life
Time to get my shit together
Time to wake up without wanting to die
Time to wake up from my dreams
Time to start my day wanting to be alive

Lady Luck

I slept with luck today
I asked her if I could
Borrow her for a couple hours
I need help with my
Day to day common interactions
I'm no good with conversations

I slept in with luck today
I guess that you could say
That I had a good time
I just hope that she stays
I could use her around
She makes me feel okay

I overslept with luck today
I got on her bad side
Everything is going wrong
Everything is starting to fall apart

I overslept with luck today
I got her bad side
I'm losing track of what I wrote
I don't know what to sing
It all changed in one night
A happiness decayed
Everything was alright
And now it's just okay
Everything was alright
And now it's just okay

Blue Bird (Satisfactual)

I saw a blue bird in my dream
He told me to wake up and see
That everything could be what i want it to be
I just had to try
I just need to try

That blue bird got me through the night where I put my heart on the line
You were the answer to my life
You balanced the equation
That is me

I saw that blue bird outside my window
The morning that you said
I would not be a part of your plans
Pushed to the wayside left on the roadside
I didn't know
Where to go

That blue bird he gave me hope
Told me the secret to growing up
Head in the clouds
Feet on the ground
Heart in a safe
Hope for the sky
Hold on to those
Four simple lines
Noted and filed in the
back of your mind

That blue bird helped me through my life
Gave me a chance to see the light
That blue bird helped me through my life
Gave me a chance to see the light
That blue bird helped me through my life
Gave me a chance to see the light

Lifesavers

I love my friends
More than I love myself
I want to end my life
Every time I open my mouth

My only future exist in other peoples dreams

I put my heart in my hellos
And thoughts in my goodbyes
Cause if the wrong person leaves
I might lose myself that night

I'm like fire fighter
And you're just burning bridges
I spend all my time
Trying to put them out

And I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it

We all make the same promises
More times then we like to admit
"I will be there for you, always"
"I'll never be like them"
"I'll never let you go"
"Best friends forever"
Words to comfort an anxious mind
But they always fall so short

I'm trying to fight off the urge to call it quits

I just can't see this being worth it

But I love my friends
Way too much to just say goodbye

Lost, Lately, Leaving.

I lost my feelings
Somewhere along the way
And lately
I've been retracing my steps
In hopes that I can find them
Cause living without them
Is just not living at all

I've been disingenuous
To you lately
And I'm sorry to say
(sorry to say)
That you've changed to much
For my tastes
I'm cutting my losses
Saying goodbye

I'm just so lost lately

The tables turned at 4am
As I regrettably
Texted your number
You were everything to me
And I was nothing worth seeing

"I miss you"
Those famous last words
Have gotten me in trouble
More often then Id like to admit
They spell the ending to anything
I have ever been involved in
Still I manage to let them out
At least as often as I screw up
There's nothing more depressing
Then a friendship wasted

But your different now
And you lead me on
Then torture me by leaving
I simply think I'm sick of all this shit

Still
I'm so sorry it had to turn out this way
But I hate everything that you became

I'm sorry for leaving
I wish I could of stayed
But you've mastered the art
Of pushing me away

Gonna Go

That night you told me in a misguided
Attempt to protect me
That you wanted to leave me all alone

I realized in my solemn mind
That you were just like her
The one who stole all my memories away

I'm not gonna say goodbye
I'm just gonna go
I'm not gonna say goodbye
I'm just gonna go

And if you don't believe me
Well here's my giant fuck you to you
-swear a lot here-

I'm sick and tired
of this back and forth
love affair
Its obvious we weren't meant to be
By our broken soliloquies
We never understood one another

And just because I think I love you
Doesn't mean Im not
Willing to forget you
Im willing to forget you

And this week is gonna prove it
I swear I am done with you
In 100 and 68 hours
we'll see how I well I did

I'm not gonna say goodbye
I'm just gonna go
I'm not gonna say goodbye
I'm just gonna go

And if you don't believe me
Well this song is my giant fuck you to you

Perfection

I've spent years in dystopia
Inside my brain
I've spent years in dystopia
Inside my brain
I've spent a day in utopia
In your embrace

I remember that night
Pitch dark on my living room floor
The laptop lit up our bodies
My head on your belly
It was perfect to me

Now it haunts my every memory
And I think it's just a little bit funny
How something more than perfect
Has caused such a rift inside of me

I would wish to forget it
Like a name to a face
That I didn't meet
But it smiles back at me

I've spent years in dystopia
Inside my brain
I've spent years in dystopia
Inside my brain
I've spent a day in utopia
In your embrace

From the princess cut ring
To the yellow roses
I remember everything
Noted and filed
In the back of my mind
Where it will stay
For as long as need be
But for now it lays wayside
To inevitability
That bastard child of fate
That got in the way
It tore up vulnerable hearts
Like paper mâché

But for all it's worth
I had a good time
I tasted perfection
Just as sweet as I
Thought it would be

But for all it's worth
I had a good time
I tasted perfection
Just as sweet as I
Thought it would be

Organs

I'm an organ donor
Of the highest degree
I donate these feelings
For anyone to keep

My heart will be dead soon
I'm giving it to you
If you can get it to beat once more
Well then good for you
But I doubt it will beat enough for two

My brain is nearing its last thoughts
My consciousness is worried
But my broken mind
Has accepted to dream
My body to sleep
No more worrying for me

One by one
My organs go
To someone else
To a better place
For something much greater than I
Hope to see them when I die

When my insides are examined
They will notice
They're used to being nervous
All the bats left inside my aching stomach
From the day I met you
I've always been afraid of butterflies

One by one
My organs go
To someone else
To a better place
For something much greater than I
Hope to see them when I die

For anyone to keep
I doubt it will beat enough for two
No more worrying for me
I've always been afraid of butterflies
But I hope to see them when I die

Dandelion

I couldn't close this heart
Even if I wanted to
So walk right in
Be the worst friend
I could ever ask for
At least then
I have something
I can write these shitty songs about

You were the last thing
I ever I let inside
And look how that's working out for me
I know it's not really cool to regret
But I think I just might regret you now

You took advantage of
My compulsive need
To help the world in front of me

You waltzed right in like a dandelion in a field of grass
Sucking happiness wherever you went
And I know
it's not friendly to start pulling teeth
But I'm getting ready to pluck the head from the stem
Making wishes at your demise

You were the last thing
I ever I let inside
And look how that's working out for me
I know it's not really cool to regret
But I think I just might regret you now

You were the worst friend
You were the best friend
A kid could ever ask for
You were the best friend
You were the worst friend
A kid could ever ask for

You were the last thing,
I ever let inside.

The Hare Peacefully Drowns in the Ocean

http://soundcloud.com/kevin-kelley/the-hare-peacefully-drowns-in
I am a sea of regrets
Waving back and forth
Like a dream I can't forget
Why did I let myself succumb
To a feeling like this

Life is miserable when spent alone
But It's worse when you remember what it's like to be loved
I'm thinking of destroying everything good
That waltzes back and forth in my reality
Just to avoid it all crashing down when I'm teased with being happy

I remember the look in her eyes as she looked for reassurance on how I felt
I so desperately wanted to comfort her as she turned away in her car
But I knew I couldn't do it and i accepted I wasn't enough
There was nothing in my heart ready for something so important as her happiness
I turned back and ran to corners of my mind

I played a song on repeat
One to get me through the night
I knew I couldn't slit my wrists
If I wanted her to think I was okay
With the way that the situation panned out
I wouldn't want her to feel bad anyway
I know I can't let people feel bad for my mistakes.

I lost track of how I felt
In between falling in love
I never knew
If I wanted this
The scars on my wrist
like faded memories
Reminding me
Of how to escape

The melody of my heart began to fade
Despite any attempt I've ever made
I began to wonder if this is it
Like the flame in my house was i forgot was lit
I burned myself down
In my ocean of regret I started to drown.
It was the most at peace I've ever been

The melody of my heart began to fade
Despite any attempt I've ever made
I began to wonder if this is it
Like the flame I forgot in my house was lit
I burned myself down
In my ocean of regret I started to drown.
It was the most at peace I've ever been
Until I saw her face again

Blue Bird

http://soundcloud.com/kevin-kelley/blue-bird 

There is a blue jay outside my window
I think this is the happiest I have been in months
I am starting to let go
of thinking thoughts
I'm starting to attempt to grow up
I am beginning
to conquer my anxieties
And if you knew me
You would know that this is a big deal
And the freedom of this bluest bird
Is making me realize
I want to spread my wings
I want to fly away
But you can come if you want too
My blue bird

there is a bluejay outside my window
I think this is the happiest I have been in months
I am starting to attempt to grow up
And the freedom of this bluest bird
Is making me realize
I want to spread my wings
I want to fly away

there's a bluejay outside my window
I think this is the happiest I have been in months

Heads and Other Perversions

http://soundcloud.com/kevin-kelley/heads-and-other-perversions

I've taken off my head
More times then I can remember
It's not that I enjoy it
It just helps me fall asleep at night
I have so much trouble falling to sleep at night

And I've forgone drugs for depression
Why would I be high when I can be low
As close to the ground as i can be
Cause I know that I will be there one day
Underground I mean
That's why I sleep on my floor
I'm preparing for century's of boredom
Sleeping like a stiff
But as happy as a corpse

I don't even drink
But not because I don't approve
I just need to stay in control
Cause if I'm not then I'll make a mistake
And if I make a mistake
My world will end
And I completely believe that

I've taken off my head
More times then I can remember
It's not that I enjoy it
It just helps me fall asleep at night
I have so much trouble falling to sleep at night

I don't really approve of anything I do
But I'll do it anyway
Cause I no longer matter
The only things that really do
Have the names of my friends
That was hint it's my friends

I don't really approve of anything I do
But ill do it anyway
I don't really approve of anything I do
But I'll do it anyway
I don't really approve of anything I do
But I'll do it anyway
I don't really approve of anything I do
But I'll do it if it makes you happy
If it makes you smile
If it makes you cry
If it makes you feel at all
I just want you to feel in the vicinity of me

I've taken off my head
More times then I can remember
It's not that I enjoy it
It just helps me fall asleep at night
I have so much trouble falling to sleep at night
So I resort to taking off my head

Home

Sleeping in cars in the day
In parking lots near taco bell
When night falls they're lucky
We don't try to rob them
With our sadness as our weapons

And it's finally snowing here in Manchester
On the leap day of the leap year
I'll call it a miracle if you let me
But i'm just happy it's here

My house is a safe house
For all my friends and more
I let everyone in
Who needs a place to stay
As long as they respect the place

There's this girl here that I fancy
She wants to save the world
But she won't save herself first
And I don't know what I really feel
I think I just need something to heal

And it's finally snowing here in Manchester

On the leap day of the leap year

I'll call it a miracle if you let me

But i'm just happy it's here

Now i'm wondering what to do

Where to head with my life

I understand that i'm thinking a little to much about this

Adding to the burden on my shoulders

I might finally leave this town

But it's going to be hard

Cause all my memories reside here

And it's snowing here in Manchester Fucking New Hampshire

It's something that i'll always miss.

It's Not You, It's Him.

How long does it take you
To get to my house
I only live five fucking blocks away
We're on a god damn schedule
The mall closes in an hour
And I want the new Final Fantasy

It's too bad
That the nerd in me
Outbids the romantic
90 percent of the time
So I don't think you're getting roses tonight
But we could role play if you want too

I'm sorry honey
But i'm gonna play the mass effect demo
This valentines day
Because Commander Shepperd
Means so much more to me
Then you will ever be
And it's not that I don't love you
I just love him more.

So stop scolding me
For loving fantasy
More than reality
It's just that science-fiction
Is so much better than real life.

I mean how could you argue
When you've seen Keanu Reeves
Know kung-fu in The Matrix
There's just something about that guy
That makes me love everything
He's ever done
I wish he was my bestfriend

And i'm sorry honey
But i'm going to spend this valentines day
Playing Mass Effect 3
Commander Shepperd just means so much more to me
Then you will ever be.

603

This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I lost all my friend here
This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I broke my heart here
This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I lost my life here

I guess it comes with my age
I've spent my entire life here
Eating at the local diner
At two thirty in the morning
Drowning myself in coffee
To forget all my problems
Only to remember them
For the next five hours laying in bed
I can't sleep
I wonder why

This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I lost all my friend here
This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I broke my heart here
This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I lost my life here
I guess it comes with a sad face

You might remember that one time
That we sat at the water front
For six fucking hours
That's the last time we had a real talk
I mentioned how you were fucked either way
Then we laughed about it

This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I lost all my friend here
This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I broke my heart here
This is where good things go to die
And I remember when I lost my life here
I guess it comes with this place

small smiles

I
AM
LOSING ALL MY FRIENDS
THROUGH APATHY AND AGONY

There are no words
To describe how I can't talk to you anymore
Out loud the words
Just don't come out of my mouth
And digitally
They just don't have the same meaning
Its like I'm mute with you
but too dead to care

So lighten up your little smiles
I burdened them all away
Feelings will mean more without me
I'm taking myself away

The last important thing I ever said
Was about how I feel in head
About how I don't think we'll remain friends
I couldn't stay alive for more than six months
Before I cut myself again
I hope that one day this trend with stop
Cause its a burden to us all
Mixing metal and flesh

So lighten up your little smiles
I burdened them all away
Feelings will mean more without me
I'm taking myself away

Its funny how you've acted
Since I've stopped trying at this colloquial game
Not a word or a peep
Our friendship was nothing more
Then a crutch anyway
So let's stop limping
And walk away

So lighten up your little smiles
I burdened them all away
Feelings will mean more without me
I'm taking myself away
Ill find myself a way.

Contradictions

I understand who I am now
I'm arrogant
I'm selfish
I probably think I'm better than you
But I hate myself
I hate myself too

I'm adamant about being a waste of space
Because I was always told that I was great
Its the curse of being self aware
And hating every minute

But despite all the negative
All I want to do is help others
And then drop out of their lives
Cause I'm too much a burden
To have around for long

Cause I understand who I am now
I'm sad and reflective
I'm emphatic
I expierence life through everyone else
And I'm burnt out
So god dammed burned out...

I desire to be of some use to someone else
But I can't even help myself
Because I don't want too
I just want to exist
I want to live in monotony
It would be easier that way

But despite all the negative
All I want to do is help others
And then drop out of their lives
Cause I'm too much a burden
To have around for long

Cause I understand who I am now
A man of contradictions
A man of emotions
A man of everything he's not
A man of everything
That I am not